Secondhand Freakiness
by Regin Ash
Summary: Nosedive and Mallory take a walk in each others worlds, literally. Can they cut it? Without detection from the team until they can figure out how to fix their problem?
1. The uh oh Factor

_Just one night, _Mallory thought to herself as the Migrator shot down the road at two in the morning. _One night in which I can sleep the whole way through._

Drake 1 had picked up a teleportation energy in central Anaheim and naturally Wildwing and Canard had ordered for everyone to gear up.

Don't get her wrong, Mallory was itching to kick some Saurian ass, it had been a week after all since Dragaunus had so much as sneezed.

"Let's go," Canard flicked the safety of his puck launcher off as soon as they reached their destination. They were outside of a abandoned factory.

"You'd think they'd get sick of the depressing décor," Nosedive was eager to get a move on.

Canard ignored the teenager's comment. "Duke, Mallory and Tanya go through the back. Grin come with me and Wing."

"Yo what about me?" Nosedive instantly piped up.

Canard rolled his eyes.

"Come with us kid," Duke gestured to the girls who were already running to the back. Nosedive smiled.

"Let's kick some Saurian behinds!"

…...

"Do you see anything?" Mallory asked, she wanted this to go smoothly so she could go back to sleep.

"Umm, I see a-Arrg!" Nosedive sent a puck from his launcher at the wall. Duke grabbed his gun.

"Are you nuts? You just blew our cover."

"I hate spiders," Dive whispered.

"And I hate ducks," a different voice said.

…...

"Whether you like it or not, he is part of the team Canard," Wildwing murmured as they slid through the cracked door.

"Yeah, yeah."

"A rift in the team could lead to an interruption of peace," Grin added.

Canard glanced at the larger duck, "thanks Grin."

A sudden shot from what sounded like a puck launcher echoed through the factory. They paused, listening.

"What was-?"

"That Wing, is the signature of your kid brother," Canard drew his launcher.

…...

"Siege, nice to see you." Dive and his teammates raised their arms to show peace, not that that really mattered. "Not!"

He, always the impulsive one, shot at the Saurian. Siege returned the fire, making them take cover.

"This is ridiculous," Mallory snarled, ducking as a blast shot over her head. She turned and shot back at the huge Saurian and his appearing companion Chameleon.

"I'm right with ya, Sweetheart," Duke dove behind a pile of boxes, his saber coming to life.

"We need the others," Tanya helped Mallory keep the two Saurians at bay.

Nosedive noticed a line of drones pushing a machine behind Siege and Chameleon. Duke also saw the drones.

"Mal-" he jabbed a thumb the machines' way.

"I'm on it," She was cut short as the resident teenager took the initiative to act.

Dive rolled out from behind the boxes and did a somersault behind another line of containers. He came up on his knee and jumped to his feet.

"Dive!" Mallory cried, she came out of no where and tried to shove him out of the way as Siege shot at him. The beam hit them both squarely, throwing them a good ten feet.

Mallory landed awkwardly on Nosedive, their beaks less than an inch apart. "Well, I only dream about this," Dive joked.

Mallory gave a frustrated 'hrmp.' "You moron."

The others arrived, exchanging shots with Siege and Chameleon. They didn't stay long, the ducks soon found themselves firing into thin air.

"What happened?" Canard demanded.

Mallory disentangled herself from Dive, fully knowing that she was receiving weird looks from Wing. "I..." She allowed herself to glance into Canard's face and wilted. "-don't know."

"Are you okay?" Tanya asked, "that beam hit you."

"Siege hit you?" Wildwing echoed in concern.

"And Dive..."

Wing switched his attention to his kid brother.

" 'ey bro, I'm a-okay." Nosedive gave a thumbs up.

"Even still, I'm going to hook you up to the medi-com when we get back," Tanya continued.

"No need, I'm fine," Mallory insisted with a smile. "Right Dive?"

"Right-o."

"Let's just go and forget it."

**Later**

Mallory silently congratulated herself as she laid down to sleep. No one got past Wildwing when they were 'hurt.' And she wasn't hurt; granted it had been a surprise to be flung so far with only a ray gun, but hey, she was a-okay. _Oh god, I'm sounding like Nosedive. _She shut her eyes and fell asleep.

**Next morning**

Nosedive woke up slowly, stretching. With a groan, he rolled onto his stomach and buried his face into the pillow. If he had any luck, he'd fall asleep and Wing would forget to wake up for practice.

An alarm went off, signaling to get up for practice. _Damn._

Moaning, he sat up and shuffled across the floor to his closet, his eyes still half closed. He opened his eyes when he couldn't find the closet door. Where his closet 'was,' a blank wall now stood.

He turned and surveyed the room. _Why am I in Mallory's room?_

As he pondered this, he glanced at her mirror and saw something he scarcely believed possible. He inched forward, staring at the mirror. A female duck was staring back at him. A female duck with red hair and a _cough, cough_, great body.

"AHHHHHHHHH!"


	2. Living Backwards

**Across the hall**

Canard jerked awake to the sound of a horrified scream. _Mallory,_ he thought. It had come to the point in which he knew her tones from anywhere because of all her screaming after pranks pulled by Nosedive.

"I'm going to kill him," he growled. "It's too damn early." He got up and opened his door. Down the hall, Wildwing looked like he had windmilled out of bed.

Canard turned away from his best friend to address the problem. "Mallory? Are you okay?"

The door slid open to show a very distressed duck. "Look at me! I'm-I'm-" she paused, staring over Canard's shoulder. He turned to see Nosedive, his hair for once not a mess. "I'm-" She repeated once more.

"-Fine," Nosedive finished.

Mallory let out a strangled whimper.

Canard had had enough, "what did you do?" he snapped at Nosedive who looked taken back.

"Wha-me? I didn't do anything!"

"Like hell, just like you didn't do the last number of pranks? Don't tell me, it was Santa Claus this time."

"Cool your jets Cannerd," Mallory found her voice, using the annoying nickname Nosedive had created.

He glanced at her surprised. "Cannerd?"

Behind him, Nosedive was glaring at her.

"I meant Canard..."

He rolled his eyes and left the hall. After a few moments of awkward silence, the rest of the team followed him.

Nosedive, in Mallory's body, grabbed ahold of himself as Mallory, in his body, tried to leave. "Where are you going?"

"To get a tan," she replied sardonically. "What do you think moron? To figure this out."

"Hey! You got the better end of the stick girl." Dive snapped. "I got the hair and the female..._stuff." _

"Yeah, yeah."

"Wait," Nosedive pointed his two index fingers upwards, thinking. "That blast-that beam...that did it.

"Last night?"

Nosedive watched himself frown in apprehension. "If Dragaunus had anything to do with this then we're in trouble, you know that."

Dive chewed his lip, "yeah."

Mallory turned to leave.

"Wait Mal!"

"What?" She hissed, "You're going to give us away if you haven't already."

"What do I wear?"

"Well," she acted like she was seriously considering the question, "you can start by putting my jersey on, seeing as Wing wants us out on the ice in fifteen minutes."

"Right," Dive dove back into her room and slammed the door.

**Thirty seconds before the fifteen mark**

Mallory waited impatiently as the rest of the team got ready for practice. "for god's sakes, hurry up," she said to herself.

When the team did make it onto the ice, they stared at her weirdly.

"What?" she asked somewhat belligerently.

"Dive, you're early...are you sick?" Wing skated up next to her.

"Wha-I-" she stammered. _Stupid me, Dive never gets out here on time. I have to act the part._ "Turning over a new leaf-_bro_." The words sounded strange coming from her. She playfully punched him in the shoulder. Hopefully he wouldn't pick up on her hesitant tone.

Canard snorted, "a new revelation," he muttered.

"Something like that," she arched an eyebrow his way.

He rolled his eyes. "Okay let's get movin."

"Wait, where's Mallory?" Duke looked towards the locker room.

"Friggin idiot," Mallory muttered.

Tanya glanced at her surprised. Mallory quickly coughed. Before anyone could question her body's absence further, Nosedive came skating out onto the ice.

"You okay Mallory?" Canard's voice became considerably softer.

"I'm fine." Dive skated by and positioned himself as left wing.

No one moved. "Eh Mallory, what are you doing?" Duke asked.

"Getting into position, what else?"

"You're right wing."

For a moment Dive stared at him and the rest of the team, no expression. Then. "Of course I'm right wing...seein if you're paying attention."

With a feeling of dread, Mallory skated to Nosedive's spot. She was in no way as reckless and aggressive on the ice like him. She relied on the 'judging the book by its cover,' like all the hockey teams they played against did. A big burly dude looked at her and saw 'weakness,' then she'd prove them wrong, wiping the smirk off their faces.

Canard let the puck go, sliding it to Duke who quickly passed it to Grin. Grin was just heading to Wildwing when Nosedive came out of nowhere, making the puck literally disappear.

He was down at the other end of the rink, making a beeline for Canard who was acting as the other goalie. For a split second Mallory saw Canard stunned as her body zipped towards him, then he was over it, readying himself for Dive.

_I have to move, _Mallory realized she had stayed rooted to the spot. But she couldn't as she watched Nosedive score.

…...

**Later**

They decided to go out for dinner. Canard had spent the whole day watching Mallory or rather Nosedive in her body. He was still scratching his head on _her_ impossible move against him.

Nosedive drained his second soda and stood for his third. Duke and Grin watched him with interest as he went.

At the soda machine a scruffy guy was leaning against the counter. The man glanced at him and became increasingly drawn to him. "Hey little lady,"

Nosedive shot him a look as he refilled his soda cup. The man didn't take the hint, instead he slid closer.

"you, eh, alone?"

Nosedive set his cup down and faced the man, placing his hands on his hips. "What if I am?"

"You're a beautiful...whatever you are."

"Uh-huh," Nosedive turned to leave when the man touched him.

It didn't matter so much to him that he was touched, well okay, yes it did, but a surprised anger flared up at Mallory's body being treated so rudely.

He grabbed the human in a headlock. "Touch me again and I'll knock you on your can."

"Oh, oh! Hey Lady!"

"Mallory," Tanya appeared. "What are you doing?" she focused on the human. "He's turning blue."

"Good."

"No not good!" Tanya yanked them apart. "That'll lead to investigations and-and paperwork. Jail time, do you want to go to jail?"

The guy backed away and then ran.

"That's what he gets for touching me."

Tanya clucked her tongue, "come on." She guided him back to the table.


	3. Mirrored Tidings

**The Raptor**

Dragaunus was in a particularly foul mood. Even Chameleon knew not to be the comic relief he was so used to being.

It had been quiet in the Raptor until Siege came barreling into the command room. "Dragaunus, there's something you should know."

"What is it?"

"Well," Siege became hesitant.

"Well what?" Dragaunus's eyes turned red in fury. "Don't interrupt me unless you have something important."

"That gun is more interesting then previously thought...it seems two of the ducks switched bodies."

"What?" Dragaunus sat up straighter. "Which ones?"

"Wildwing's mangy brother and that red-head chick."

Dragaunus's heart nearly stopped. "You're kidding."

"Nope."

Dragaunus's lips curled back to show sharp teeth. "This is good. Do the rest of those mangy mallards know?"

Siege shrugged. "I don't know."

"Then how in the blaze do you know they switched bodies?"

"That camera you had us install last week in that diner or whatever-It picked up the red-head about to nail some human."

"That girl is hot-tempered, that's hardly evidence, you idiot."

Siege rolled his eyes. "Really Dragaunus, we've been on this accursed planet for a year and a half and been in countless sh** fests with them...do you really think I don't know their mannerisms? It was that teenager."

Dragaunus wasn't so sure. "I doubt it."

Siege's fists balled. "Does that chick say touch me again and I'll knock you on your can? No, she talks like she's still with Puckworld's military forces."

"True," Dragaunus stroked his chin. "Well then, let's upheave their lives even more."

**The Pond**

Nosedive was going through video game withdrawal. It had been exactly three days, two hours and nineteen minutes, he had kept track. Mallory was having the time of her life in his body for the most part. "His" relationship with Canard had certainly been almost patched on both ends of the spectrum. The tan duck was nice to him because he saw Mallory and the real Mallory in Nosedive's body had worked hard to get back in his good graces.

They were now in the training room, using the bench press and weights. Wildwing had choked on his coffee when Mallory suggested tailing them.

"Really?" he had asked.

Mallory nodded, flicking a strand of Nosedive's hair out of her face. "Why not?"

"Well I-" Wing didn't seem to know why not. "It's just-"

"-Let's face it kid, we have to drag you in there every time," Duke finished Wing's sentence.

"Well now you don't," Mallory drained her cup and sauntered out of the room.

Duke watched her go. "Wing."

"Yeah," the Mighty Duck leader was hidden behind a newspaper.

"I don't think I've ever seen Nosedive walk like that."

Wildwing turned just in time to see his little brother sashay around the corner. He looked back at Duke. "You don't think-?"

"He might be," the older duck replied softly. "Of course...society is moving ahead and becoming um, uh-_accepting._ You still care about him obviously."

"Sure," Wildwing agreed. "Yeah, he's my-_gay brother."_

Yes, Mallory had it made, making the rest of team think he was gay. He slid off the bed and slowly trudged to the training room.

"Hey Mal, you look like hell," Canard pushed the bar up.

"I feel like it," Nosedive grumbled. " 'ey Ma-Dive...Can I talk to you, **now**."

"I'm a bit busy," Mallory had her eyes on the punching bag.

"Huh, and I'm not- What a concept." Dive grabbed her by the shoulder. "She'll be right back." He towed her out of the room.

Wing and Canard stared at the door they left through. "She?"

…...

"We need to figure this out," Nosedive lost no time in saying.

"We will Dive, relax," Mallory crossed her arms.

"No now, I can't take this any more. I'm a guy Mallory...not a girl."

"Oh as pose what Dive? I'm guy, is that what you are saying?"

"Uu-n-no, I-I'm just saying-They think I'm gay because you can't walk right..."

"What?"

Walk like a guy if we're going to take our time with figuring this out."

"Walk like a guy, ingenious Nosedive. Impecable feedback."

Nosedive rolled his eyes. "I mean it, Wing thinks I'm gay, Duke thinks I'm gay."

Mallory shook her head, "excuse me but I have some serious pounding to do to that punching bag." She walked off.

Not knowing what to do, Nosedive went back to Mallory's room and laid on his stomach. "Kill me..."

**Later**

An alert from Drake one blared through duck's headquarters. Nosedive was last to join the team. Canard glanced at him, concern etched on his face.

"Let's me guess teleportation energy downtown," Duke said before Tanya could.

"Close," Tanya sounded puzzled. "Outside."

Canard looked around, "sh**," he hissed.

"There's no way they can get in without outside help from someone like Phil or something," Mallory said.

Everyone observed her strangely.

"What?"

"For a moment you sounded so-_collected," _Wing spoke for everyone.

"Don't we have a crisis to deal with instead of studying how I speak?" She snapped.

"That we do kid," Duke activated his saber.

"We split up," Canard ordered. "Grin, Tanya...Nosedive, go to the garage, exit through the tunnel and come the back of the Pond. Duke and Mallory come us."

"Oh damn," Nosedive moaned. "C-Canard I'd rather go with Tanya and Grin."

"Mallory, we don't have time for this. Get moving everyone."

"It's already sweetheart, time to fill our quota in kicking some Saurian asses," Duke said with a smile. Nosedive tried to smile back.


	4. Dire Findings

It was about the time that Tanya and Grin reached the back door of the Pond that they noticed Nosedive's strange stance. He was tense and carrying himself much like Mallory did.

"Eh Nosedive?"

"Yeah?" He looked at them. "What?"

"You're..." Tanya glanced at Grin for help. "Um-"

"Is something troubling you little friend?" Grin asked.

"No, I'm fine, thanks," Mallory spotted movement behind her two friends. She whipped out her pucklauncher. "Duck."

"What?"

The shape took off running, Mallory shot after it, pushing in between them.

"Nosedive!"

**Meanwhile**

"You okay kid?" Duke was studying Dive as he glanced around at his surrounding nervously.

"Sure."

Wing was watching both of them, his eyes set more on Dive than Duke.

"I just think I'm going to be sick..." He doubled over, puking.

"Jeezus, Mal-"

**Outside**

Mallory was gaining on the figure. Damn, could Dive run fast, no wonder why he was like a missile on the ice.

She had chased him-it to a tuft of weeds as tall as her. Quietly she snuck into the tall grass, keeping an ear out for the person. A shadow was ahead of her.

"Bingo," she muttered under her breath. She raised her pucklauncher to aim, her finger tightening on the trigger. Then bile spilled out of her mouth.

**The Raptor**

"_That gun was designed to trade the mind of people. One person goes to one body, the other goes to the other. However-" Dragaunus raised a finger to keep the attention on him. "-sometimes the make up or body of a creature can't withstand the power." _

_Siege was growing tired of the lecture. "And so what happens? Don't tell me, you're going to tell us."_

_Dragaunus shot him a glare. "Yes you imbecile, I'm going to tell you. The immune system sees the mind inhabiting the body as a threat and so it fights it, making the body appear sick. But it's a sickness that won't get better. It appears we'll have our first two victims within a day." He smiled grimly. "Too bad."_

**The Pond**

"Mallory..."

"I'm-" _puke._ "Not." _puke. _"Mallory."

"We need to get her to Tanya," Canard said, worry emanate in his voice.

"No," Nosedive moaned. "You're not listening to me...I'm not Mallory. I'm-I'm- Nos" He passed out.

**Outside**

_What's wrong with me?_ Mallory thought as the puke seemed uncontrollable. "Nosedive?" Tanya was shouting the teenager's name, Mallory could hear them close by. She coughed hard and wetly as the bile still came.

Black and yellow dots were dancing around in front of her. She had minutes before she'd pass out. Her vision closed in from the sides. _Wrong. Seconds, she had seconds._ She collapsed.

**Minutes later**

Mallory woke up disoriented, not knowing where she was. Then she heard the medi-com beeping. The bright lights hurt her eyes so she shut them.

"How worried should we be if Mallory was saying she wasn't Mallory?" Duke was asking.

"Well considering they're both in the midst of a raging fever...not very." Tanya turned away to consult with the print readings of the medi-com.

"Uhh," In another bed, Nosedive was waking up too.

"Hey how are you feeling?" Canard was first to see him awake.

Dive stared at him for a second through pain slit eyes. "Like shit Canard, thanks for asking."

Mallory rolled her eyes under her closed eyelids which gave her an instant headache. Her breath sounded rattled as she breathed in.

"Hey Dive," Wing took her hand.

"I'm not Dive," her voice was crap, hoarser than frickin sandpaper. She almost couldn't hear herself-or rather Dive's voice. "I'm Mallory...Wing we s-witched 'odies..."

Duke drifted nearer to her, listening to her words. His good eye ticking between his leader and the supposed teenager.

"What do you mean?" Wildwing asked quickly. "Switched bodies?"

Mallory tried to explain, she really did but all that came out was silent air. Her voice was gone. Wing glanced at the real Nosedive, who was somewhere between awake and unconscious.

"Okay I have it, fever obviously." Tanya flicked her hand backwards. "Their blood counts are a little low which is concerning. And-" she paused, staring at the paper in her hand.

"And what?" Wing asked sharply.

"-And..." she let her hand holding the paper fall by her side. "Dive's liver and left kidney are failing."

Wildwing felt like he had been hit in the stomach. "Failing?" He echoed.

"No wonder why I feel like s-" Mallory's voice dropped away again.

"How is this happening?" Canard demanded.

Tanya shrugged, "I don't know. It's mind boggling really. I could run some more tests-"

"Good, do it," Canard left the room.

**One day later**

Nosedive was shaking badly as he puked into the toilet. Thank drakes, he was still somewhat strong enough to drag himself to the bathroom. Even then he didn't know if he had the energy to return to bed.

Mallory focused on him with difficulty as he returned. She was worse then him since his teenage body was dying at a much faster rate and she was in it.

Dive all of about collapsed on his bed and fell into a troubled sleep, no strength to even cover himself with the blanket.

…...

Tanya was abruptly awoken to the sound of a heart monitor beeping erratically. She jumped to her feet and ran into the medi-com room. It was Mallory's monitor. "Oh no, Dive..."

She grabbed the defibrillator and quickly assembled it, cursing the automated voiceover that was telling her what she already knew.

"Mallory," Mallory called out weakly. Tanya ignored her. She stuck the electrode pads in the right places on Nosedive's chest and then called, "Clear," to no know in particular.

She activated the paddles, shocking the teenager.

By then the rest of the team had entered the room, having spent the night outside the door. "Wing No," Duke grabbed ahold of the white duck, trying to restraint him as he moved forward. Canard helped the older duck pull Wing back, away from the two in bed and Tanya.

They watched anxious as Tanya desperately tried to revive the duck. She could feel tears filling in her eyes and was just about to call it quits when Nosedive dragged in air. He opened his eyes, the white scleras of his eyes were red. "He's okay."

There was a collection of relieved sighs.

…...

"Nosedive said he was Mallory, Wing and I heard him. It would explain a lot of things," Duke argued.

"Like what exactly L'orange?" Canard snipped back.

"You know what," Duke was done with holding back and being an observer. "Nosedive in the training room on his own according for one. Nosedive being out on the ice first. Mallory being last and I can't remember the last time she wasn't at the mall.

"Face it Canard, it all makes sense. Nosedive and Mallory are switched."

The tan duck remained silent, listening. "Okay, say you're right. How did it happen?"

Duke was stumped. Quickly he thought back to the last week. "That gun Siege shot off." He said slowly. "It hit them remember? It's not the ray gun we thought it was."

…...

**Infirmary**

"Mallory?"

Her neck stiff, she turned her head towards Dive.

"I was scared for a moment for you."

She blinked sluggishly and then gave a waned smile. Dive noticed there was a light in her eyes that told him she wasn't ready to give up fighting just yet.


	5. Unexpected surprise

"Hey Diveman!"

Mallory cracked an eye open, "oh god," she whispered, her voice unable to get any louder. Thrash and Mookie stood in the doorway of the room. "I hope you blind-folded them before you led them down here."

Wildwing smiled, "I think we can trust them now."

Thrash started towards her, "Damn Dive, you look like crap."

Wing grasped the human's shoulder and swung him around to face Mallory's body. "That's Dive."

In response, Dive waved feebly.

"Huh?" The human glanced between the two.

"So they, like, switched bodies?" Mookie asked.

"Yeah," Wing answered, shooting Canard a look as the duck pretended to snipe the two teenagers out from the shadows of the door.

"Cool."

"N-" Mallory lost her voice again. Angrily, she grabbed the small whiteboard Tanya had given her and slashed in big letters across it, 'No, not cool!'

Mookie shrugged, "It's cool to me."

Mallory responded with her or rather Nosedive's middle finger, an act the two human's missed as they returned their attention to Dive. Wildwing coughed and then swiftly jerked the curtain between the them so Mallory was hidden from view.

As Wildwing continually checked on his brother and the two friends, he saw how hard Nosedive was trying to stay awake. Evidently, on his third trip down to the medic-room, Nosedive had just lost his battle with consciousness.

"So they've switched," Thrash said for the second time as Wing led them to the Pond's door. He resisted rolling his eyes.

"Thrash, you already said that, like twice now," Mookie said for Wing.

"I know, I'm just trying to wrap my head around it. It's amazing really, but why are they in bed Wildwing? You never said why."

"I don't know, Tanya thinks what ever made them switch implanted or mutated a gene and now their bodies are seeing them inhabiting each other as a threat."

"So they become sick?" Mookie asked, for once not using 'like' in her sentence.

Wing nodded.

"Darn, that sucks," Thrash paused at the rink's doors. "Well, keep us posted man."

"Will do," Wing closed the door behind them. Turning he saw Canard appear from the shadows within the dark building.

"We have to figure this out soon, if we're going to remain seven," the tan duck said after a moment.

"I know," Wing hoisted himself up to sit on the front desk. "I don't know what to do."

"I do," Canard scoffed. "Find those frickin' saurians and beat them within an inch of their life."

"You know, don't you find it at least somewhat convenient?"

"With what?" Canard crossed his arms.

"I mean Dive and Mallory. Why hadn't it been any of us?"

"Because Dive took it upon himself to run into the fray, Mallory chased him."

"_I know that,_ what I mean is, Dive does pranks on Mal and Mal threatens to kill him a lot. I just wonder what will happen when they return to their old bodies. Will he still prank her?"

"Ah, you mean since he's such a nuisance to her, they see each others worlds from each other's point of view."

"Exactly," Wing agreed.

Canard made a face, "paybacks a bitch."

Wing scratched the back of his head and made a 'puh' sound, "tell me about it."

**Infirmary**

For the first time in a long while, Tanya was about to lose her patience. Nosedive was cooperating for once in his life, drinking the broth when she gave it to him and taking the supplements when he received them, but Mallory was being a real pain in the ass.

Twice Tanya had found the duck wandering down the hall, all pathetic. "Mallory," she finally snapped on the second finding of her. "You need to stay in bed for the last time."

Grudgingly, Mallory allowed herself to be towed back to bed.

**Later**

"By finding Dragaunus we can fix this, but until we find him, we're SOL," Tanya sat down, exhaustion obvious.

"And what do we do once we find him?" Duke tipped his cup forward so it balanced on one side and then tilted it back. "It's not like we can ask him nicely to switch them back."

"Yeah," Canard agreed vaguely.

"Boobies!"

Canard jumped at the sudden outburst of their manager, Phil, before glaring off into space. The human was waving a flyer.

"You've gotta fundraiser tomorrow in downtown Anaheim, one o'clock prompto."

"Yeah Phil, about that-" Wing began.

"No, no," Phil wouldn't have it. "You all skipped out on that last one, not this time...you've gotta time manage."

"Time manage," Canard repeated, "really? How does one go about doing that, like us, when we're constantly screwed by Saurians."

Phil wasn't listening. "Where's Nosedive and Mallory, they aren't here."

"Noticed have you?" Canard snipped. Wildwing kicked him under the kitchen table.

"They're sick," Tanya explained.

"Oh no, this is catastrophic," Phil sank into a seat next to Duke. "This can't be...how bad are they?"

"You care? Are _you sick_?" Canard was staring at him.

"Well it's just, I promised a few people that well, er Mallory would be there."

"Promi-who?" Tanya stuttered over her words.

"Just someone-some people I mean."

"Just someone, that little rat of a kid, that's who," Canard violently brushed bread crumbs off his fingertips.

"Buzz Blitzman?" Duke said slowly, "You promised Buzz Blitzman Mallory would be there tomorrow?"

"Well the kid is a master extortionist."

"The kid is like eight," Canard finally exploded. "How old are you Phil?"

"Actually he's fourteen I think," Phil corrected.

Canard didn't appreciate being corrected, he stood abruptly at which Duke slammed into him, keeping himself between the human and the enraged duck. "Canard, back off and sit."

The tan duck grudgingly sat, his eyes still on Phil who was staring wide-eyed back at him. Duke remained standing, his wiry body taut, waiting for the next time he'd have to jump to Phil's rescue.

"It can't be that bad, can it?" Phil glanced around at them all.

"Our little friends are residing on each others paths," Grin murmured.

"Meaning?"

"They've switched bodies," Tanya reiterated.

"Oh." It sank in, "_Oh._" Phil was cut off by a horrified scream.

**Infirmary**

Wing was first through the door since the scream quite obviously was Nosedive since Mallory was rendered mute. His bed was empty when they all arrived. Wing glanced at Mallory who feebly pointed to the bathroom.

"Dive?" Wing tried the door, it was locked.

"But he's over-" Phil started before someone shushed him .

"Dive open the door. What's wrong?"

"I'm-I'm-!" Nosedive was on the verge of a mental breakdown, Wing was sure of it. "Wing, we need to fix this. I need to fix this!" The kid was rambling and moaning incoherently.

"Fix what? Dive open the door. Let me in."

"No!"

Canard calmly leaned against the wall next to the door. "You want in Wing?"

Wildwing glanced at him, "sure," he agreed, not really listening. Canard straightened and then gave the door a powerful frontal kick; splintering the lock and swinging the door open.

"What the flying fudge monkeys!" Nosedive yelled.

"What?" Canard started to look inside only to be pushed away by Wing and having the door slammed in his face.

…...

It was five minutes later when Wildwing came out of the bathroom, shell-shocked and embarrassed. "Tanya, can you and I talk for a moment...outside."

"Sure," the blonde-haired duck followed him out to the hallway.

Across the room, Mallory was shaking hard with mirth. Duke noticed first, watching her entertained. "What are you laughing at kid?"

Almost with renewed energy, she scribbled excitedly on her whiteboard. 'Dive's got his period.'

…...

"Is it true?" Canard asked the second the two ducks returned. Tanya ignored him and quickly slipped into the bathroom where Nosedive was saying, 'no, not me' over and over again.

"Shut it Canard," Wing said tiredly. "If I ever hear you use this against him, I'll kill you."

"My lips or beak is sealed."

Wildwing wasn't so sure, his best friend's eyes were lit with malicious and amusement like he was planning something for later.

"Just kill me, I'm finished...I'm done, nothing. Caput."

"Dive, shut up. If Tanya and Mallory can live through it once a month so can you and we're finished with this conversation." Wing sat on the end of his brother's bed.

"Why? Are you embarrassed? You oughta be me Wing! I'm in a female's body!"

In the next bed, Mallory jerked upright to stare across Duke who was sitting next to her on the bed at Dive. "Settle sweetheart...he means you too."

Nosedive didn't miss the underlined threat in the older duck's words. Mallory's face pinched together in a yeah-right look.

**Next day**

"Hey, where's Mallory?" Wing knew it was Buzz before he even turned around.

"She wasn't feeling well today Buzz."

Out of the corner of his eye, Wing saw Phil wilt and sink behind a potted plant in the mall as the kid glanced his way.

"She's sick?"

"Something like that," Wildwing aimed a kick at Canard when the kid looked away.

"And Dive too?"

"Him too."

"Huh, too bad I guess." The boy sat next to Tanya.

"A real bummer," Canard muttered.

Wing wished the Drake Ducaine mask could shoot laser beams from the eyes.

"What are you reading?" Tanya asked the boy in an attempt to keep him from overhearing Canard's comments.

"Eh, just a comic book."

"Really? What's it's about" Wing had to give Tanya credit for sounding interested even though comics weren't any of their thing except for Dive.

"Yeah, it's about this superhero who's body gets switched with his sidekick who doesn't have any superpowers. The superhero has to-"

"Wait a minute," Canard's sarcastic demeanor was gone, replaced with real interest. "Switched bodies?"

"Yup."

"Can I see that?"

Buzz handed it to him. "It's just a comic."

Canard ignored him and flipped through the pages.

"What are you thinking?" Tanya asked.

"Buzz what are these?" The tan duck pointed to incredibly complex equations written in between the margins and pictures.

"I've been trying to work the equations from the comic book, you know to see if I could figure out the transformation sequence."

The ducks stood dumbfound. "Buzz, you're a genius," Canard stated, sincere.

"Well, I've been told that once or twice," the kid gave a sly smile.

"How far have you gotten on it?"

Buzz shrugged, "I'm almost there with breaking it."

Canard suddenly gave it back to him. "Guard this with your life, I'm serious, don't look at me like that. Let's go."

"Hey," Phil noticed his employers leaving. "It's not even two o'clock yet!"

"It's after two? Thanks Phil!" Canard waved at the human.

**Later**

Buzz was a little shocked when he saw how "sick" Dive and Mallory were. "They've switched bodies?"

"Yeah," Canard sat down on Dive's bed, accidentally sitting on the kid's legs.

"Gah," Dive whimpered, his voice also slowly going.

"So that's not Mallory," Buzz pointed at Dive.

"Mallory's over here," Duke gave Mallory a pat who threw his hand off her, still spunky despite her poor state.

"Still fiery," the older duck added with a laugh.

"Oh, and let me guess, you want me to finish the equation," Buzz returned his attention to Canard and Wing.

"If you could."

"Sure."

"I'll help you," Tanya offered. "As repayment for this."

Buzz smiled, "hey anything to stall me going back to Unbridled Technologies."


	6. Mounding Tactic's

Wing watched Buzz as the kid sat staring at leafs of papers that frankly the duck had no idea how to interpret. Finally he cleared his throat to get the boy's attention. "Buzz, why don't you come and eat something."

Buzz shook his head, "I'm fine, thanks..." He returned his gaze to the papers.

"Buzz,"

The boy looked up again.

"Come and eat, I don't need your guardian coming and stringing us up for 'not feeding you'."

Buzz smiled, "oh alright."

**The Infirmary**

Nosedive was kind of stunned when he saw his wasted, half-dead body sliding ammo into his pucklauncher as he left the bathroom.

"Eh Mallory?"

"What?" Damn, did she sound like herself even though it was his voice he was hearing through that biting snip.

"Whaddya doin?"

"I'll be damned if I sitting here and waiting to die. If I'm going to go out then I'm taking those Saurian basterds with me."

"You're kidding... Mal, you can barely stand." He was only proved more correct when she stumbled, catching herself on the end of the bed before her legs gave out completely.

"Bite me Dive. Don't think you aren't going to help me."

"H-help you? How?"

She smiled evilly.

…...

Duke heard faint yelling as he and Grin walked down a corridor close to the infirmary. "Do you heard that?"

Grin listened, "the infirmary."

Without another word, they sprinted off the infirmary and burst through the door, Duke's saber out and ready. In the middle of the room, Nosedive was tied to a chair.

"Ma-I mean Dive, what happened? Where's Mal?"

"Thank god you're here. She's crazy, she knocked me out and tied me up."

Duke deactivated his sword and grabbed the teenager by the shoulders, "where is Mallory?"

"She's goin' after the Saurians Duke, she's in trouble."

Duke swore.

…...

"What did she say exactly?" Canard was stocking various weapons with ammunition.

"That she wasn't going to wait to die and that if she was going to die, then she'd take them with her."

Canard paused in sliding a puck cartridge into his own gun. Then he dropped the gun back onto the rack.

"What's wrong?" Someone asked.

Canard turned around abruptly, scattering his teammates to avoid him running into them. He kicked aside a work rug and knelt to pull open a trapdoor hidden underneath. Inside were guns, real guns like what the humans used on each other.

"What's that?" Wildwing asked, his voice tight and for the first time in the twenty-one years that Canard had known him, afraid.

Canard picked one up and clicked off the safety. "The pucklaunchers are expensive and sorry Tanya, but a pain in the ass to make and fix when they break. Besides we've been here about a year and a half, the pucklaunchers haven't done a damn thing for us." Canard stood. "They're slow to fire. These aren't."

…...

Mallory cursed magic, she cursed her weak dying body and most of all she cursed the blasted sons of bitches that marooned her and her teammates on this freak of nature, weather challenged planet.

If the others were content with her wasting away in bed, then sorry she wasn't. The soldier in her kept her moving like a zombie, decrepit but hungry for blood.

A part of her was sorry about running out, not hitting Nosedive though, damn had that never felt so good. But Wildwing was going to kill her when he noticed what she had done, what he was missing and she had.

…...

"Hey Wing, ain't ya missin' somethin'?" Duke asked as they piled into the Migrator.

Wildwing turned around to survey the dark duck; in the urgency of finding Mallory he knew he was missing something, but couldn't place what it was.

Duke pointed to his face as a hint.

"The mask!" Wing gasped.

Canard snapped to attention, "where is it?"

"I don't-"

"Don't!-" Canard lifted a finger to emphasize his point. "Don't tell me that Wing...don't."

"-know," Wing finished. "It was in my room, I swear."

"You lost it?"

" I did not lose it."

Grin closed his eyes, "we are lost without it."

Canard whipped around to face the large duck, "hey, give us some credit. Forget the mask, we'll find it later. It's not the worst crisis I've been in."

"It's not?" Wing asked, oddly timid.

Canard sent him a nasty look, "it's close."

…...

Mallory pulled the mask out of her satchel, ivory white when not activated, it gleamed in the moonlight. She swallowed to suppress the urge to puke. She would definitely not be forgiven if she yakked on it. She pressed it to her face and felt the power of it as it flashed to gold.

On the corner of the block, the Raptor sat disguised as a office building.

"Bingo."

…...

Feeling murderous, Mallory didn't bother with the usual stealth approach, instead she blasted a hole through the Raptor's exterior wall with a explosive puck. She wanted Dragaunus and the others to know she was there, coming for them.

Several countless hallways and a couple blasted hunter drones later, Mallory found herself in the command room where Dragaunus was waiting for her along with his three moronic puppets.

"Ah, Mallory is it? I never really paid attention to any of your names. I see you're faring well-"

"Shut up, I'm here for only one thing you oversized lizard."

"And that would be?" Dragaunus clasped his fingers together.

"My body and Nosedive's body, I want mine back, NOW."

"Sure, it'll take a little while."

Mallory laughed and trained her gun on him. "No, now."

"Really? Do you want to end up switched into a bug or some amoeba floating through the air?" He stood, making her jump and clumsily stumble backwards. "Oh do relax. I would have done something by now if I meant harm."

"No, you're an opportunist, you lie and wait you snake."

Dragaunus smiled. "Maybe. Where are the other mangy mallards?"

"None of your concern."

"You got the mask I see," the lizard's eyes sparkled evilly as he observed her face. "don't suppose you'll give it to me?"

Her reaction of backing away as he advanced half a step sent him her answer clear as day. "I guess not."

…...

Buzz was getting frustrated, really. This was impossible, he wanted to help the ducks but he couldn't figure out the sequence.

"Damn it!" He snapped, whacking the papers off the table. In her office Tanya watched interested as Buzz had a mini tantrum.

He sat heavily onto his seat and hid his face in his hands. Then it came to him, a symbol on the back of a page he hadn't finished reading in the comic. "Tanya!"

"What is it? Did you figure it out?" She came running.

Buzz grinned, "Balerium crystals, we need balerium crystals."

…...

This kid is a genius, Canard thought. No more comments about how the kid annoyed the hell out of him. If the kid could pull through with this and fix this problem, then Buzz Blitzman could move into the Pond permanently for all he cared.

Tanya had pulled all the balerium crystals she could find at the Pond with the exception of Drake 1 and then sped off towards their location with Buzz in tow.

"Now what?"

"Now all I need is that gun." Buzz looked ready for anything.

…...

It was a piece of cake to maneuver through the Raptor's shafts. Duke was almost embarrassed for the _Great Lord Dragaunus_. Really, he an ex-thief, could travel through the ship's system unchecked. Duke paused upon seeing something glowing below him through a vent. He smiled, he had found his quarry, the gun Siege had used on Nosedive and Mallory resting below him.


	7. News Flash

"You're wasted, completely. I doubt you'll survive the night."

Mallory tried to ignore Dragaunus, he was only attempting to distract her. "I want my body back."

"And you'll get it."

"When? When I croak? It'll return to me when I'm in my last resting place? Some frickin wooden box? I want it!"

Dragaunus's eyes tinged red as she yelled that last bit. He forgot just how volatile this female duck could be.

He opened his mouth to argue but an alarm sounded. He whorled around to see Siege pounding at the dials on his large computer.

"There's been a breach Dragaunus, in the room that has the Excell device."

"Duke," Mallory whispered.

"Dragaunus faced his drones that were until that moment stationed quietly around the room. "Get down there and kill anything that walks."

Mallory spun on her heel and shot the monstrous keyboard and then open fired on the drones. Within seconds she had all of the drones reduced to smutted mechanical messes.

"You little bit-" Dragaunus didn't finish his sentence, instead he swung his arm out. A hard invisible force threw her across the room. She hit the opposite wall and slid to the ground; taking a ragged breath she found her strength was gone. _Shit. She was trapped in the Raptor with a failing body._

"_You'll wish you died when I get through with you." Dragaunus was close to her, too close and she couldn't do anything about it. _

_Then a hefty explosion rocked the Raptor. "What the hell?" _

She forced her eyes open, despite their heaviness. Several ducks stood in the entry way of the command room.

"Miss us?" Someone quipped, followed by unknown popping noises. _The pucklaunchers don't make that noise. _She focused on what the lead duck was holding, she recognized it from her gun magazine as a M1911, but why was Canard holding it?

"Hey sweetheart..." Duke pulled her up and supported her body.

"We must look gay..." she muttered.

"No, that's only Dive."

She breathed out a wheezed laugh.

"You are fools...she's about to check out," Dragaunus was smiling. "I've finally made a small dent in my plan to rid you all."

"Oh, not quite," Wildwing snapped. "Now Buzz."

In the hall, Mallory saw a skinny little kid comically holding a rather large gun for his size. "Is that B-?"

A light shot from the end of the barrel and engulfed her and Nosedive who had been led next to her without her knowledge. The blast knocked Duke off balance and slapped him into the wall. Everyone covered their eyes as the light intensified. Mallory felt the light throw her head back, her mouth forcing open as something pulled and yanked itself free from somewhere in her body.

Then it was over, she collapsed on the floor.

"Don't move," Canard ordered as he kept his gun pointed at Dragaunus, he knelt by the two unconscious ducks.

"You used balerium crystals, didn't you?" Dragaunus's lilting voice was smug.

The team felt a chill down their spines.

The saurian smiled broader, "congrats, you killed them."

"What?" Buzz's not yet mature voice interjected first. "No, the sequence was clear. Canard, I read it right."

"Stupid of you to trust a teenage human," Dragaunus continued, "a child."

Canard was feeling an uncontrolled rage building up inside himself and he didn't know who to direct it at.

"Mallory get up!" Buzz was saying. The female duck remained still on the floor, under Canard's hand.

"She's not getting up Buzz," he responded.

"Ah, this is so touching," Dragaunus pretended to wipe away a tear. "Oh wait I can't cry."

Wildwing yanked out his own gun Canard had given him at the Pond, pointing it right at Dragaunus's head. "I'm going to kill you."

"You don't have the balls."

"Try me," Wing snarled. Canard stood and turned to face his grieving best friend. Numbly he glanced at Dive to see if he was okay but he was like Mallory, still.

Grin reached out to Wing and closed his massive hand around the gun. "You don't want to kill in revenge Wildwing. It'll bring forth a darkness you'll never be able to part from."

"I don't give a damn," Wing jerked his gun from Grin's grasp.

…...

_She was hearing voices but it was like she was in a tunnel, echoey and distant. Everything hurt and shook like she was vibrating. She twitched and just like that, her chest sank in as she took a ragged breath. Cracking her eyes open, she slid her eyes to her right and saw Dive opening his. _

_Losing consciousness, she woke again confused. Her vision settled and she found herself staring at Wildwing shouting at Dragaunus, his gun pointed at the saurian. A part of her wanted him to pull the trigger, but she knew what she had to do._

…_..._

"Let him do it Grin," Duke's voice was hard and cold, so unlike his usual laid back self. "Say your f***ing prayers, you're going to hell."

For the first time Dragaunus didn't seem so sure of himself. And Siege, Chameleon and Wraith certainly hadn't moved to help their boss, their lizard eyes trained on everyone present.

"Oh, this mission was doomed from the beginning," Wraith moaned.

"Well now, I'm sure we can come to an arraignment," Dragaunus backed away.

"You already made your arraignment," Wing spat, "goodbye Dragaunus." His finger pulled on the trigger.

"W-" Mallory tried to say, her voice was gone. Desperate, she looked around her and saw a head of one of the hunter drones she had destroyed. Clumsily and sluggishly, she grasped the head and weakly banged it on the ground.

No one heard her as they were all too busy with Dragaunus's pending death. Frustration over-road her senses, her annoyance gave her enough fuel to slam the head down on the ground loud enough to startle Duke who was closest to her.

Shock flit across his face, "Wing wait-" He hit his knees next to her. "She's alive, they're both alive."

That statement was enough to make Wing pause. Next to Mallory, Dive gave his brother a weak smile.

Wing's hesitance gave the four saurians enough time to teleport. "Damn it," the white duck kicked the computer in anger.

"Forget it Wing, we've got the Raptor," Canard picked up the Drake Ducaine mask laying next to Dive. "You took it?"

Mallory made a face and then closed her eyes.

…...

Canard found Wing staring at the burning of the Raptor. "Wing we have to go, the fire department is coming."

"I know," Wing said quietly.

"Then let's move," he gestured to the waiting Migrator. Wing remained where he was.

"I just can't believe we've accomplished this much. I mean we destroyed the Raptor."

"Yeah," Canard heard the wailing of the fire engines getting closer. "And we don't need to be here to be charged with arson. Let's go."

As the two friends moved away, the entire block was rocked by a massive explosion. Canard knowing the Migrator was fire-proof, dove under its huge frame, taking Wildwing with him. When he peeked out, he saw all that was left of the Raptor was a single saurian made metal frame.

One Week Later

"Well I don't care to ever see another- _thing_ from Kotex...and if you need someone to buy you any, I'm not buying them. Ask someone else."

Mallory rolled her eyes. "Have I ever asked you?" Her voice was slowly coming back and other than that, she had to contend with the weight she had lost from the "sickness."

"No and it ain't gonna start now," Nosedive disappeared behind one of his comic books.

The infirmary door opened, granting Buzz entrance.

"Hey!" The kid bounced up to her bed. "Canard said I could move in."

Behind him Dive choked on his ginger ale. "He said wha-? I saw him drinking earlier, are you sure he wasn't drunk?"

"Buzz," Mallory looked into the kid's eyes. "I think that's a great idea." She glanced up at Dive's ashen face. "Right Dive?"


End file.
